AFRICAN PARENTING (The child's Perspective)

  This happens to be one of the most overlooked issues in Nigeria precisely and Africa as a whole. Most parents have refused to acknowledge the fact that we are now living in a different generation from theirs and what worked for them in these days does not and cannot work for this present generation.       

       I decided to start with this topic because I feel it forms the bases in shaping an individual's mindset about life. Family is everyone's first contact on earth and so therefore it is a fundamental issue to look into in the self development process. 

         I am just going to take us through some of the parental upbringing common in African homes that aren't really bringing up a child but are "bringing" him/her down and unable to cope in today's world because of the psychological and emotional effects this training have on a child and i honestly believe should be looked into.

1. THE PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP;

    Gone are the days where the only discussion between a mother and her daughter is an errand, gone are the days where parents correct by shouting and flogging, I am in no way saying that those acts are totally bad and should be completely abolished and done away with but in all honesty, the end result of this type of parenting style is rebellion on the part of the child, And this consequently leads to the child staying away from his/her parents sometimes out of fear and most times out of hate for feeling neglected and unloved. It has become a known fact that most children are living with so much hate for their parents without them (parents) even knowing and Research has shown and proven that a more effective and efficient way of bringing up a child especially adolescents is becoming their friend, getting to know them {their idealism, what they stand for, their friends and relationships}.  This can only be achieved  by letting them in, being free with them. There is nothing like when a child is able to talk to his/her parents without fear of being judged or misunderstood. This way, parents don’t only get to know everything about their child and the kind of adult he/she is becoming but can also correct, advice, and admonish them in love . Children in return, begin to trust their parents completely and wouldn’t want to hide anything from them. Strive to know who your child really is to avoid realizing one day that the child you have invested so much on, was a complete stranger all along. But in as much as the parents are advised to be free with their children, there should be a drawn line between love, warmth and discipline while establishing limits. This parenting style is children autonomy supportive, empowering them tremendously, it also encourages self-determination on the child and requiring them to be more responsible, thinking about their actions and behavior. At this point it is very important to state that parents should be very mindful of not just what they say to their children but how they say it, there are certain things parents shouldn’t say to their children such as "you are stupid, you don’t know anything" and so many other abusive words all in the bit to correct them. If the child is indeed out of order and needs to be corrected there are many better ways to get a child to stop a particular action. Most times a child suffers because of a parent who doesn’t know how to handle his or her emotions and communication style. The use of abusive words don’t just make the child rebellious but it's detrimental to his/her relationship with other people outside the home and the sad thing is that what most parents don’t know is that children are the end product of how they were raised, parenting is like banking you need to make deposits in order to make any withdrawal and you can get anything other than what you deposited," each day of our lives we make deposits into the memory bank of our children"…Charles Swindoll. If you were abusive, judgmental and impatient with them ,you will most likely get a child that will also be impatient and judgmental with you when they become adults, they might also end up with self-esteem issues, become jittery and might have built up walls around their hearts overtime to protect themselves from their parent's harsh words or reactions.

2. EDUCATIONAL IDEALISM OF MOST AFRICAN PARENTS;
       While speaking with one of my highly esteemed  Academic fathers in school, he brought to my notice how education was really the key to a good and promising life, everyone struggled to go to school, read hard so as to get employed into a reputable company even my dad (who I adore so much  by the way) speaks a lot about it too. But today and in the present generation, it doesn’t work that way anymore. Going to school and gaining a certificate is the key to a successful life quite alright but it doesn’t prepare you for what is behind the door it's handing you the key to. There are limited white collar jobs to go round thousands of graduates "pumped"  into the society from the various universities in Nigeria and Africa. Universities even have tried inculcating the entrepreneur idealism into students because they have discovered the truth but it is very disheartening to know that all what most parents want is for their children to read,  read and read without any form of exposure whatsoever. any seminar, workshop, training or talk shows outside the school is forbidden but it is honestly at the point of meeting people who have gone through what a child is going through that he/she gets inspiration and motivation to succeed in life, at such events you get business and job opportunities, ideas, connections etc. nobody will know who you are and whatever potentials you have if you don’t step out of your comfort zone, sadly the child may never even discover or develop his/her talent if he/she is only confined to the house and classroom but it gives the child an idea of how the outside world thinks and operate. Life has gone beyond spending minimum of four (4) years in school trying to find "X" to succeed. Encourage your children to go the extra miles because truly the only difference between extra ordinary people and the rest is the ''extra'' , give them an opportunity to be at an edge over their peers, let them have a comparative cost advantage over them. 

(I WILL GO INTO DETAILS OF THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SCHOOL AND EDUCATION IN MY NEXT BLOG: KEEP IN TOUCH)

3. CAREER CHOICE;

    It is very understanding when parents for one reason or the other desires a particular career for his/her child but it is absolutely wrong for a parent to impose and enforce a career on a child when it is very clear that this child has very little or no interest on the career. It is important that parents try to understand their children's individual personalities, passion and goals in life , then direct and guild them to their full potentials. It is very okay if the career a parent chooses for his/her child isn't what the child ends up becoming, it all the more proves that everyone is created and brought into this world for a specific purpose and parents are only but custodians of the children given to them and have no moral right whatsoever to impose a career on them. That we have so many people who hate their jobs and are indifferent about their attitude to work is as a result of the fact that their jobs aren't where their passion lays. This issue consequently affects the economy as a whole as there is a negative result in the level of productivity of these individuals and you can very well imagine the effect many people with this problem  has on the nation.
 

4. SEX EDUCATION

   This topic I have discovered and research has proven correct, most parents shy away from discussing with their children and assume school will teach them. But then these parents fail to understand that there are so many things school will not be able to teach their children even if they try, it wouldn’t be as effective an effect as to when taught by the parent themselves.

 the end result is that the child ends up getting the wrong ideas about their sexuality from the wrong people and it doesn’t always end well. It is advised that parents especially mothers educate their children most importantly the girl child on her sexuality to avoid her being deceived. This isn't an unnecessary exposure as most parents claim but a very crucial role parents have to play in the life of their children for  their future.

Having gone through so many articles written on African Parenting I have come to strongly agree with an article I read in the www.lagosmums.com blog (which by the way I must state gave me a whole lot of ideas and insight while writing this and I strongly recommend you visit to know more about the different parenting styles and so much more) on the best and worst parenting styles by a parenting expert (Dr Justin Coulson) while speaking with the daily mail where He talked about the Helicopter (hovering), Lawnmower, Authoritative ,Permissive, Neglectful ,Authoritarian and Intentional or Gentle parenting styles.Now let's go through with what children actually need as stated by the same blog

1. Don’t just build a relationship but a strong one at that and as Jessy Jackson stated "your children need your presence more than your presents" you should deliberately make out time for your children and have discussions with them.
2. Be a  good example to them in every aspect of their lives , model the way you want them to be, BE THEIR ROLE MODEL. "one of the most important things we adults can do for our children is to model the kind of person we want them to be"…Carol Hillman.
3. Teach your children everyday what it means to respond to God, it's your duty as a parent to guild your children in the right spiritual part and the importance of communicating with God.

        Now you have an idea of what a good parenting should be like, you might not have been raised in the modern parenting way all hope is not lost, i have seen a lot of people who built their self esteem in their early stages of adulthood i am actually one of them and i will so love to guild you through it.But now you know it plays an important role in an individual, i sure do hope you have picked up one or two tips for your own parenting style😋😍😃😃😃😜